We all had that one friend growing up whose parents were odd.
Remember the first time you went over to that friend's house? It was like walking into one of the scary scenes from Alice In Wonderland, or Jacob Two-Two Meets The Hooded Fang (that one especially scared the crap out of me). And all of a sudden, your friend's demeanour at school made more sense.
I'm a big fan of crazy houses, but one exterior photo will simply not do.
Take a look at the following house, and tell me how long you could live there before you'd feel the need to redecorate…
I know what you're all thinking.
But guess what? You're wrong.
You all think I'm going to feature "The Clown House" at 222 Chatham Street in Brantford, Ontario, but that was last week's news.
Truth be told, somebody sent me the link for that listing on Monday morning, but in the world of instant information in 2017, I couldn't act on it fast enough.
By Monday afternoon, BuzzBuzzNews had a feature running: "The Listing Photos For This Clown Filled Bungalow Are The Stuff Of Nightmares"
By Monday night, there was a story on Vice about the house: "We Found Out What The Hell Is Going On With This House Full of Clowns"
By Tuesday morning, The Star had picked up the story: "You Won't Believe What's Inside This House For Sale In Brantford"
The house was pretty creepy, I'll give it that.
But it was just was just a normal house with strange possessions.
If you want a true crazy house, there are other criteria.
First and foremost, my favourite kind of crazy house looks completely normal from the outside.
The photo I used at the top – that's the first image that popped up in Google Images when searching "crazy house." It looks odd, but it's actually a masterpiece of modern architecture. It's made to look that way.
So when searching for a solid crazy house, just like the one at 222 Chatham Street, it should look normal from the outside, like this one:
Totally normal, right?
The pink garage panels might not be to your liking, but overall, this house looks normal.
Here's the back of the house:
Not crazy at all!
A lush green lawn, well-manicured trees.
If I didn't know better, I'd think the people that live here are John Normal, and his wife Jane.
It's really, really nicely landscaped:
And did I mention normal?
These folks know how to take care of a house.
That's a top-dollar pool cover right there.
Gone are the days of those blue tarps that sink into the middle of the pool, because the owner used water-filled balloons to keep the tarp in place.
So now that we know the house is totally normal from the outside, perhaps it's time to check out the inside?
Black and white.
Jekyll and Hyde.
Oil and water.
And the beat goes on.
This house could not possibly be any different on the inside.
Let's start with a photo of the foyer:
Totally reasonable, right?
They just happen to like green.
Well who doesn't?
Green doors, green steps, green wallpaper, and even green circles and stars in the linoleum tile.
Here's a shot of the main floor powder room:
Just your standard gold sink and faucet.
The very definition of normal.
Head to the kitchen, and it feels like home:
It's not that weird, right?
The living room is where things get a bit weird:
Where in the world did they find that broadloom?
That's not an area rug – that's broadloom! From corner to corner, and that came off a roll in a warehouse somewhere.
In any event, the leopard looks comfortable.
Here's the den:
Nice wood-pannelling, very reminiscent of your basement in 1970.
The Geisha's with the lamps coming out of their heads are a nice touch.
The dining room takes us back to crazytown, however:
That's the same wallpaper that they used in the foyer, FYI.
They must have got a great deal.
The green tile floor must be custom. They don't sell those at Home Depot. I checked.
The family room is kinda cozy:
The carpet looks just about as lush between your toes as the green grass outside.
And more of that wallpaper eh?
This might be the best room in the house:
I can't tell if that's a mirror to the right of the purple chair, or if that green door is down a half-level, perhaps leading to one of these bedrooms:
Seriously though, is this bedroom any better than the one with the clowns?
At least there's a home-phone-line there in case you need to call for help.
I wonder how many channels they get on that TV.
Here's the master bathroom:
I have the same poodle statue.
The second "kid's bedroom" is a bit friendlier:
It looks really cozy. And playful.
And I was getting kind of tired of the green wallpaper, so it's nice to see that red pattern that plays of the bright-red carpet so well.
Here's the master bedroom, with a circular-bed that we can all relate to:
Those window coverings are standard, right?
I just know I've seen them at Blinds To Go at least once or twice.
The little guy with the umbrella is a nice touch. For those rainy days…
Love the green toilet here:
And last but not least, this is the hallway leading to the master closet:
If these people aren't Asian, then what do yo make of their obsession with Geisha's? One trip too many to the far-east?
And now, ladies and gentlemen, the reveal.
Where do you think this house is located?
What if I told you this was in the good old US of A?
How about……………New Jersey.
Yes, New Jersey.
I've never been, but if I ever happen upon the garbage-state, I'll be sure to find a local Realtor, and take a tour of houses just like this one.
If any of you guys have found crazy houses, I implore you to share!
Can you beat this one? Give it a try.
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